Soooo, I have decided to try and lose some weight, I never meant to gain weight but life on the road can get hard, and tiresome. Seriously being in a car for 18 hours with the only food options being Mcdonald’s or Wendy’s at 1:45 am can tend to add some pounds. I’ve gained weight since 2006 cause now days I or should I say my minion Jane Haze drives everywhere we go on tour. Before that I flew almost everywhere and that tends to keep the pounds down. Seriously try running through O'Hare airport with 35 minutes between flights. One time I flew from Memphis to New York by way of Chicago. I landed at gate c-34 then had to run back to Memphis to catch my connecting flight. I made it, out of breath and sweaty but i made my flight damn it.
I’ve always been a big /fat/heavy/rotund guy ill never be tiny, its just not in my dna. I was 5’10 and 11 in 6th grade playing basketball where only the 10th graders were close in height. You should have seen the looks on parents faces when I ran onto the court with the rest of them. One time a parent asked to see my license, he thought I was old enough to drive. Kinda pissed me off cause was he just in awe that I was a foot taller than everyone or did he think I was stupid and failed 5 times. Fuck yourself sir. I digress, I remember being a wrestler in high school and having to cut weight just to wrestle heavyweight class. In the past 4 weeks I’ve dropped 20 pounds, yeah, it doesn’t sound like a lot but already I feel better. I actually did a 45 minutes stand up set 2 nights ago standing up and running around the room. Normally i don’t do that, normally I sit on a tall chair and perform cause my knee is shot from too many years of Karate and wrestling and falling in the middle of a kitchen in a lesbian run comedy club in Florida while trying to get paid (bitches, grrrr`). For the first time time in a long while it did not hurt
Why now you may ask, well I’ll tell you. 2 reasons first 2 people in Wisconsin said “hey you a big dude” When a `350 pound dude from Wi tells you you’re a big guy Damn you better listen. Wisconsin people aren’t the tiniest of people. This is the land of giants and cheese and giant cheese, they actually make something call cheese curds,which are leftover hunks of cheese that are then battered and fried. Almost as good as bacon. These people have to be huge to survive the winter up there which if I’m not mistaken begins in Aug and ends somewhere around June. This is the home of the packers, have you seen a packers game? These fuck-tards fans are out in -30 degree weather for a game with their shirts off, in-fucking-sane. When someone of that statue and girth says you’re a big boy you might take heed.
Reason number 2 cause i met someone that might live up to my wish of someone who could hurt me in bed. No fuckers I’m not scared of her I’m mighty intrigued. If anyone knows me or has slept with me you know one thing. I love sex and all the fun things involving at least 2 naked people. She has said to me that her best sex ever was with a former cyclist and lasted 15 hours. I told her I can do that if we break it down over a weeks time but not right at once. Right now she could get about an hour of oral from me and about 30-45 minutes of hardcore penetration, but she likes athletic sex. Sex that one needs to stretch out before and after. Sex requiring a warm down and probably gatorade. Sex where you catch a charlie horse and keep going till something breaks, beds or bones it doesn’t matter which.
Well there ya go, those are the reasons I’m working out again and trying to loose the weight. I do want to be the best sex ever for her, I don’t know if she meant that story as a challenge for me, but that's how I took it. I need to get back to my former fighting weight so i can eventually take that title. I know I should be saying the regular bullshit about how I’m doing this for me and i want to be healthier and live longer and....... fuck that.
The truth is i wanna be wrapped up in her in a pool of sweat, cum, saliva and any other body fluids that we can muster. I never want to hear about that cyclist again. And if it doesn’t work out with her ladies, be prepared to work.
I hope it works out :)
weight loss
0 commentsThe Chocolate Buddha comedy tour is in full effect
1 commentsWhat in the unholy hell was I thinking when I booked a 12 week tour schedule, I mean 12 weeks I haven't done more that 3 weeks solid since 2008. Well here i am at the half way point and I wish I had booked another 6 weeks behind these. I'm having fun, not only am i having fun I'm enjoying writing about the journey. Right now I'm sitting in a hotel room in Petoskey Mi after a night off and during a show inside a casino lounge Saturday night that can only be described by my minion Jane Haze as "P.Diddy's living room." I have played casinos in Vegas and Atlantic City, and yes even Tunica Ms, but always the Native American casinos surprise me. In vegas and Atlantic City there are always the mob boss wanna be looking dude trying to look hard, didn't think I'd see that here. I was so wrong, apparently every racial makeup has there "goombas". when i got in the casino i was greeted by the native American version of "Big Pussy" from the sopranos. No not a guy wanting to be the character but the actual indian version, on a cell phone with the classic Italian "how you doing" then the firm but supple hand shake of a man who might be in sanitation but has never taken out the trash. Yikes. I like this guy. First thing he does is hands me my check and asks me to sign for it. Now this is a professional. What i didnt like about the place was that it was huge and empty, also i didn't like Paying 12 dollars for a shot of Patron.(hey casino's up here if a comic is getting paid to entertain, don't charge for drinks, at least the first one should be on the house.) The club finally filled right about 5 minutes before Jane Haze went on which was cool. The show itself was just your everyday average show , no bad hecklers no drunk bitches, just a bunch of people who wanted to laugh and recover from losing money on slots and blackjack.
