chi town dogs, milwaukee absinthe,and hickory dickory dice

Next stop , Chi town for a quick stop to see my little sister Mary Jordan. Mary and her boy friend Derek recently moved from Memphis to Chicago cause basically Memphis kills everything sooner or later.Really it does, it kills souls,ideas,dreams,2 different kings and a Jeff Buckley. Actually she's just way to funny to be limited by southern culture and dumb crowds.So Jane haze and I made it there and did an Open mic with said little sis.Okay open mic'ers of the world listen up ...DO NOT TRY AND WORK MATERIAL INTO A CONVERSATION,TURN OFF YOUR COMEDY SELF AND JUST BE FUCKING HUMAN.While standing outside waiting on the list i met a couple of those guys that seemed nice at first but after a moment i realized everything they were saying to each other was a bit.One guy was going on about just found out he was black and not Italian and went through some bs and i tagged the line with "here's your nigga card , thank you move along".he just smiled, which meant that's funny,I'm going to co-op that.He did later in his act but a much less funny version of "here's your naacp card, move along" Either have the balls to do the bit or don't do the bit fuckhead..I digress. The open mic community in Chicago is insane there were over 60 wannabe comics that night they actually split the groups in 2 and performed in different parts of the building. Luckily Jane ,Mary and I were all in the same talent pool and stayed together.Jane went 6th and was the first one to rock, then bunches of bullshit,then a good one then Mary went up and fucking killed.It was a weird feeling cause Mary got the slot right before me, like so many times before we knew this game. She kills, brings me up and i kill them to the point of cremation.So she brought me up and said so many nice things about me and we hugged on stage ..then i had five minutes, i set that room on fire they had no clue what was in store. We burned Chi town that night and then the hot dogs from the duck burned us on the way to Milwaukee.
We got to Milwaukee about 1am and went straight to silk (strip bar)above the comedy club known as Jokers to get the condo key. We met up with Natalie and Scott got the key hung out a bit and Jane was hit on the first 10 minutes we were there cause she dresses like a paper boy from the 20's. This was going to be short week at Jokers cause they were bringing in Andrew "dice" Clay for Saturday so all we had to do was Thursday and Friday. Thursday night, we get to the club and i find out that's there no feature and its open mic night.well they only had one open mic person, the from now on infamous Antoinette. Antoinette was so funny that she was ready to "film my special tonight, but this is my first time on stage,did you know I'm a producer?"Omfg she rambled on for 15 minutes of the the worst incoherent shit I have ever heard.then she had the nerve to try and heckle Jane .Jane nicely told her to shut the fuck up and brought me up, where once again Antoinette decided she wasn't ready to give up her 15 minutes of fucked up fame . The shut down began, as of writing this I don't remember what I said to her. All i could hear was Nat laughing her ass off in the background.Sometimes I think they like me there just to see me make someone cry.I'm fine with that. Open mic people should know their place.Don't fuck with a headliner I'm in this spot for a reason,cause I earned it,keep working and maybe in 15 years we can talk,that goes for the fed ex employee as well next time you want to step to me don't, turn around walk away and deliver my packages. Anyway the highlight of this week was the absinthe woo hoo a comedy club with absinthe i love you guys ..the good stuff Kubler omg. Anyway the Saurday show had nothing to do with me, They had the one and only Dice Clay. I have to say it was a lot better than i expected.He was a shell of former greatness but still was funny much different than the early 90's but aren't we all. i have to say staying over a day to see him work was worth it. Plus,with the help of Scott i got a picture with him.i really don't care about pictures much but this one is cool,I'll put it next to my one with Don Rickles and Lisa Lampanelli's vagina.I'll call it "wrinkled but not forgotten" in my facebook section.I love Jokers cc in Milwaukee you should follow them on twitter i do. Next stop Nyc and the Brokerage comedy club.....

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easter is for retards?

We know i survived Prestonsburg,KY yuck and Charleston,WV was next on my road schedule.Thankfully Fridays night was pretty uneventful just the required redneck nutcase and marine nutjobs who yell "coondog" and "if tell you that i would have to kill you" it wasn't until the Saturday night show that i was worried. I went down to the lobby of the club where the staff had taken my headshot and added bunny ears.not drawn on bunny ears but cut out ears from some coloring book. Apparently i was the official chocolate bunny of the comedy zone and the Ramada itself. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the manager Dennis looking flustered ,i knew this couldn't be good .He came over to me and said"look we might have a problem tonight,they sat a retard(his words not mine)in the front row and i know how much you love that word""look i dont know what to do so i'm just going to ask if they want their money back now" I wasn't worried much, i know anybody who brings a mentally handicapped person to a comedy show with one of the most frank and potentially dark comedians around know what they're getting themselves into.What they should have told me was that the "retarded" person in the front row was part of a birthday party,no not his.the birthday party was for the mother of said "retard"and her large posse of lesbians .yes i said large party of lesbians. Not saying the lesbians were large, not all of them but there were several i wouldn't want to meet on a dark softball field. i did my thing i didn't change material at all just changed the placement of my main retard line, i moved it up in the set to where it was almost the first thing i did.That's right,face...the lesbian party had no problems with what i said. The guy didn't move much, just sat and ate his french fries..It wasn't until one of the chicks reached over and decided that he didn't mind sharing his fries with me that all hell broke loose,as soon as the plate of fries came towards me, I was hit with a very hard barrage of leftover fries that he must had been hoarding for later.People let me tell you retard strength is real, he almost put an eye out It took three of the Rosie O'Donnell sized ones to calm him down.The fries were returned the show went on and no one was pissed, even"coondog" dude came back and brought friends ..that didn't want to kill me .I like Charleston ,its my kind of place full of nasty strip bars ,lesbians and super strong very accurate throwing retards.

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The mac is back and so am I part 1

Finally my macintosh is up and running again,thanks Ted @ the apple store in Mayfair in Milwaukee.I have power again woo hoo. So I have missed many weeks of blogging and many semi interesting stories to share so lets get started.
I've been on the road quite a lot recently, seriously all over the damn place everywhere from the backwoods of Prestonsburg Ky,and the slightly less backwoods of Charleston Wv, all the way to Chicago and Milwaukee where I got annoyed by the now infamous Antoinette ,yuck..
Prestonsburg lays claim that they are the longest running comedy night in Kentucky,impressive if you know the town.I am never too smart to admit that i have many things left to learn on this planet. Prestonsburg taught me a very important lesson, Just because i can drink 12 shots of tequila anytime and be OK that does not translate into other liquors. I hereby state that Wild Turkey is the Devil. Normally i never have a hangover in fact i didn't have one from this event. So the night began with Jane Haze and John D miller trying not to kill a rambuncous music teacher drinking the said devil juice.I can't drink cheap tequila it hurts worse than finding out your ex girlfriend is dating a very fugly old woman(I didn't just say that),The top shelf tequila was(pause for effect) jose cuervo.. Jose should never be considered top self,personally would even make margaritas with it.It is the bane of everyone's existence that has had that tequila story that's the reason they don't drink tequila.So i said let me drink tonight what the locals drink.Gobble Gobble. Fuck me, now just to let you know i only had maybe 4 shots on stage, it wasn't till after rocking a small redneck crowd that everyone, including said music teacher wanted to buy me shots of the stuff.12 shots in and i feel fine go back to the room and order pizza, made fun of Jane about her choices of sex partners and fall asleep ,or as most would describe pass out. Waking up a mere 2 hours later with a certain "gobble gobble"in my head, and pain everywhere else. There was no vomiting involved in the nights pain session that would have been completely acceptable, that would have cleared my system and made me useful the next day. I went back to bed and woke up several more times sweating turkey and found a turkey feather in my ass.. No really a turkey feather i blame Jane haze either that or i was raped by a butterball. I was drunk until after radio the next day,and radio was at 3 pm the entire drive was painful, lights,sounds,cold pizza,Elvis Costello. Thankfully Jane Was driving.

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weekly videos for the weak

So starting next week the you tube channel"www.youtube.com/moalexander" will have my version of a weekly self help/advice/me being an ass rant. It will be brief and hopefully it will be funny.The shows will be called "wisdom for the weak" cause apparently this world need a little help sometimes, remember these will be very brief under 2 minutes mainly, hopefully you will enjoy.
see ya soon.

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Where to begin:Vegas

I keep telling everyone road stories are coming so here ya go.
So you might not know but I've been kicked of a lot of places I'm ok with this cause most of the places I've been kicked out of are places i want to be kicked out of, not because i enjoy it but because those places suck.I've been banned from a Perkins restaurant,Graceland,the Viper room in La,a library in south Carolina, 13 radio stations and personally my favorite and the exception to the this place sucks rule, a swingers club in Vegas..Yep i said it a swingers club in Vegas.How could one get kicked out of a swingers club you may ask.It's a place where rampant sexual activities happen of all kinds, sucking, fucking, watching, walking around naked while playing pool.All kinds of stuff.One night my friend Pyro Pete and myself went to the red rooster 2, a swinger club in a strip mall somewhere near the Vegas strip.And what a strip mall by the way,full or weird dirty things this place should be smack dab in the middle of Kansas.It has three swingers clubs, a place where tranny hookers hang out, a sex toy shop that is also a coffee shop and the funniest place I've ever seen, a Mexican cowboy country gay bar.Gay and Ole woo hoo.I digress so we went to the rr2 on a Tuesday night kinda dead of course,even in Vegas Tuesday can be dead.Not much happening that night till we got to the far back room.There was a small group of about 6 people both guys and girls just watching, so of course i wanted to see for myself what was going on so made or way past the semi circle of lack of humanity and saw it.It was a rather Fabio looking very manly built dude doing a rather Rotund woman doggie style on a leather covered foam bed.Now don't get me wrong i like a thick chick always, not really a fan of skinny women cause they break to easy.This isn't about me making fun of the big girl I wasn't, but the Fabio guy omg what a tool,not the dick just him.He was posing while fucking her,one leg up both arms on his absent love handles in a superman type pose,tossing his big harlequin book cover hair every chance he got.I couldn't help myself,I ran out to Pyro's car and got my notebook,came back in and started writing. When the woman finally started groaning I held up my notebook and stated very loudly what was on my notebook "6.2 from the Russian judge"then more flew from my mouth"i would have give you an 8 but its looks like your overextending and you almost fell on your first dismount."Laughter and security,lots of both filled the room,all six people laughed, the big girl snickered and he wanted to beat my ass.They removed Pyro and myself and told us we could back some other time but we needed to leave.I was actually happy security came in when they did to remove us,I would hate to have this story end with me being beaten by a naked hard cocked Fabio look alike, curled on floor that smelled of feet,tears and bleach,that's never a good way to end a story unless Paul Hooper is involved.More on him later.Oh we went back, another story for another day

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An updated post, originally from myspace last year

Enjoy and tell me what you think
For all of those who don't know me, im a comedian.A true stand up comedian ,no im not a prop act nor am i character made up to convince people who im making fun of that im one of them.Nor am i a puppeteer , or a musical act .i am a comedian a comedian in the truest since of the word.I find the funny in the world around me unlike Seinfeld whom i consider a comedian im not just pointing out what wrong with the world i suggest ways to make them better even if some of my ideas are harsh.now take the fact that i just want everyone to laugh and also maybe just maybe provoke a thought .Here's the problem im labeled as EDGY.whoa a black comic who is edgy wow must be def jam with not much talent or his own material.NOT ME i dont curse to be funny.i curse because things piss me off.yes im not for everyone there's a place for puppets, and musical acts and even guys who balance rope on the face those place are called cruise ships and hell (which to me would be one in the same)im not saying that i would never do a cruise ship but unless it for a private s&m gathering or some twisted open minded group like that, if i end up on one in any other situation my friends have been instructed to kill me.
The reason for the post is as the world has become soft, comedy clubs are becoming soft as well,"oh dont offend the patrons" well tell that drunk hole in the back to shut her cocksucker and let me do my show."but if we throw her out we'll lose customers' do you really want the same people to come back again the next week and heckle the comic again, no fucker you dont kick them out on their asses and make a better time for the ones who are laughing .Bland comedy is killing comedy.Comedy is the last bastion of free speech dont tell me to change my act, warn the customer that what you see in this room tonight while you might not agree with the things said on that stage remember fuckers, comedy is based on truth. ...Carlin edgy, Pryor edgy, Lenny Bruce edgy, Kinison edgy Hicks edgy, and right now if they came you in this soft ass comedy world they would be told to tone it down.Fuck em turn it up make em sweat so i can smell the weak and feed off their fear and stupidity. go home where its safe(ha ha), watch you mind numbing television your dancing with the stars,your rock of loves, Dr phil and the like.only listen to the soft bullshit radio,listen to The jonas bro, and clay soulless aiken.THINK do me one favor and Think. See ya on the road ..Nyc Coming for you in april..i know you are ready.

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A Dingler, a Dye and it's all a Haze

Home from a couple long weeks on the road again, a couple of cool stories and a very cool video or two. Started the journey going to see my friend Paul Hooper play the Stardome in Birmingham, hung out with him Matt Davis, Jane Haze,and a bunch of other weirdo. Kept going that night and ended up in Tallahasee where i had 6 great and incredible shows with a freaky little nut job named Amy Dingler. Just a little psycho but i love her. Ft walton as usual is a bloodbath of "lets try to get the comedian fucked up"They didn't. Jacksonville Fl woo hoo

I did something that i haven't done in awhile,I opened for someone, I was the middle dude for last comic standing finalist Jeff Dye..He is a great and funny guy but that should have never happened,don't get me wrong his crowd loved him But cute nice guy never trumps realist funny large semi scary black guy. But i do like him and he did me a nice little plug. Also a funny video that might be promo for an upcoming show...

If you people don't know about my webgirl/fucking funny comedian Jane Haze you need to find out,She's not only funny and knows how to do seo work but a great wingman ,driver and just fucking the shit...Without Jane hanging with me the past few weeks i think i would have gotten into so much trouble..

Go to the YouTube Channel and watch The Video we did.Much thanks to mr.Webb

More info coming soon.

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