New York New York a wonderful town....for 151 ewww it hurts

If Nyc = Bright lights Big city..Long Island =big hair and fake titties. I love this place...The Brokerage in bellmore Li. This a gig that i look forward too every time i can get it. These guys don't have to book me but the do cause Im different and Im funny and gosh darn it i rock a room..ew yuck. Anyway I have to thank Cara Amore for introducing me the one of he silliest club owners around the the very funny Mark Lund. The first night i Met this guy was in Atlantic city,where we bonded while dancing to Michael Jackson's "P.Y.T." in the middle of the street at a stop light.Yes we jumped out of the car and on either side of the car danced while Pyt bumped on the system..Becaue this was atlantic very few people noticed, odd. Anyway this way maybe my 4th time there i love this club and i love the people at the club.It's now a game to see how drunk they can get me onstage while maintaining the show.This time as i walked in the first shot was being poured for me, a huge shot of 151.When i say huge i mean take a normal size mixed drink glass and fill it. Ok so if you read this blog you might know that I'm a tequila drinker how these people think its 151 happened the last time i was there. They were out of all the good tequila so i did a few shots of 151.That time i got drunk enough to fall asleep in my car with the door open and got rained on.What a horrible feeling waking up in a car, wet thinking omg did i have a wreck am I bleeding ,oh nevermind its water. And no i wasnt tryung to drive that night i was just going to the car to make a few phone calls. Anyway this time they thought 151 was the drink of choice. James the manager's only purpose in life i think is to run one of the best clubs around and try to get me fucked up. Thank God that there was only one show on friday night cause the fed me 4 of those massive shots that night. I did the show then they tried to feed me another. Why, I was apparently drunk enough already to hit on some chick while her father stood next to her and made fun of me hitting on his daughter. I some how got a number and then lost said number in the process of not dying. After visting Burger king and the bathroom a few times sleep was welcome
Saturday night was a 2 show night so i knew that i must straighten out the 151 mistake, plus Jane and I were heading back to Memphis right after to make it to the Monday night Sinner's Ball. Those lovely asshole friends fixed the 151 situation from the night before but still somehow managed to get me drunk on a bottle of patron that Jimmy the co-owner had went out and bought just for me, and apparently the waitress that was trying to match me shot for shot.Nice try little girl. You held in as long as you could i know and if i hadn't had to head back to Memphis maybe we could have played my favorite game game called amber alert.That's when she dresses like a hot Britney spears as a 13 year old and yells help a lot. I digress, 2 shows, 1 bottle of patron and a standing ovation..good times i love them...Jane and i headed back to Memphis got lost for and hour in NYC ,at least that whats she said i was too far gone to help with directions. We made it out and i was finally good about jersey where we pulled over to get rid if some legal Mexicans i was smuggling in my upper intestines....
Made it back to Memphis Sunday night .Slept then met up with the boys for the first ever Memphis Sinners Ball. More on that later

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chi town dogs, milwaukee absinthe,and hickory dickory dice

Next stop , Chi town for a quick stop to see my little sister Mary Jordan. Mary and her boy friend Derek recently moved from Memphis to Chicago cause basically Memphis kills everything sooner or later.Really it does, it kills souls,ideas,dreams,2 different kings and a Jeff Buckley. Actually she's just way to funny to be limited by southern culture and dumb crowds.So Jane haze and I made it there and did an Open mic with said little sis.Okay open mic'ers of the world listen up ...DO NOT TRY AND WORK MATERIAL INTO A CONVERSATION,TURN OFF YOUR COMEDY SELF AND JUST BE FUCKING HUMAN.While standing outside waiting on the list i met a couple of those guys that seemed nice at first but after a moment i realized everything they were saying to each other was a bit.One guy was going on about just found out he was black and not Italian and went through some bs and i tagged the line with "here's your nigga card , thank you move along".he just smiled, which meant that's funny,I'm going to co-op that.He did later in his act but a much less funny version of "here's your naacp card, move along" Either have the balls to do the bit or don't do the bit fuckhead..I digress. The open mic community in Chicago is insane there were over 60 wannabe comics that night they actually split the groups in 2 and performed in different parts of the building. Luckily Jane ,Mary and I were all in the same talent pool and stayed together.Jane went 6th and was the first one to rock, then bunches of bullshit,then a good one then Mary went up and fucking killed.It was a weird feeling cause Mary got the slot right before me, like so many times before we knew this game. She kills, brings me up and i kill them to the point of cremation.So she brought me up and said so many nice things about me and we hugged on stage ..then i had five minutes, i set that room on fire they had no clue what was in store. We burned Chi town that night and then the hot dogs from the duck burned us on the way to Milwaukee.
We got to Milwaukee about 1am and went straight to silk (strip bar)above the comedy club known as Jokers to get the condo key. We met up with Natalie and Scott got the key hung out a bit and Jane was hit on the first 10 minutes we were there cause she dresses like a paper boy from the 20's. This was going to be short week at Jokers cause they were bringing in Andrew "dice" Clay for Saturday so all we had to do was Thursday and Friday. Thursday night, we get to the club and i find out that's there no feature and its open mic night.well they only had one open mic person, the from now on infamous Antoinette. Antoinette was so funny that she was ready to "film my special tonight, but this is my first time on stage,did you know I'm a producer?"Omfg she rambled on for 15 minutes of the the worst incoherent shit I have ever heard.then she had the nerve to try and heckle Jane .Jane nicely told her to shut the fuck up and brought me up, where once again Antoinette decided she wasn't ready to give up her 15 minutes of fucked up fame . The shut down began, as of writing this I don't remember what I said to her. All i could hear was Nat laughing her ass off in the background.Sometimes I think they like me there just to see me make someone cry.I'm fine with that. Open mic people should know their place.Don't fuck with a headliner I'm in this spot for a reason,cause I earned it,keep working and maybe in 15 years we can talk,that goes for the fed ex employee as well next time you want to step to me don't, turn around walk away and deliver my packages. Anyway the highlight of this week was the absinthe woo hoo a comedy club with absinthe i love you guys ..the good stuff Kubler omg. Anyway the Saurday show had nothing to do with me, They had the one and only Dice Clay. I have to say it was a lot better than i expected.He was a shell of former greatness but still was funny much different than the early 90's but aren't we all. i have to say staying over a day to see him work was worth it. Plus,with the help of Scott i got a picture with him.i really don't care about pictures much but this one is cool,I'll put it next to my one with Don Rickles and Lisa Lampanelli's vagina.I'll call it "wrinkled but not forgotten" in my facebook section.I love Jokers cc in Milwaukee you should follow them on twitter i do. Next stop Nyc and the Brokerage comedy club.....

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easter is for retards?

We know i survived Prestonsburg,KY yuck and Charleston,WV was next on my road schedule.Thankfully Fridays night was pretty uneventful just the required redneck nutcase and marine nutjobs who yell "coondog" and "if tell you that i would have to kill you" it wasn't until the Saturday night show that i was worried. I went down to the lobby of the club where the staff had taken my headshot and added bunny ears.not drawn on bunny ears but cut out ears from some coloring book. Apparently i was the official chocolate bunny of the comedy zone and the Ramada itself. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the manager Dennis looking flustered ,i knew this couldn't be good .He came over to me and said"look we might have a problem tonight,they sat a retard(his words not mine)in the front row and i know how much you love that word""look i dont know what to do so i'm just going to ask if they want their money back now" I wasn't worried much, i know anybody who brings a mentally handicapped person to a comedy show with one of the most frank and potentially dark comedians around know what they're getting themselves into.What they should have told me was that the "retarded" person in the front row was part of a birthday party,no not his.the birthday party was for the mother of said "retard"and her large posse of lesbians .yes i said large party of lesbians. Not saying the lesbians were large, not all of them but there were several i wouldn't want to meet on a dark softball field. i did my thing i didn't change material at all just changed the placement of my main retard line, i moved it up in the set to where it was almost the first thing i did.That's right,face...the lesbian party had no problems with what i said. The guy didn't move much, just sat and ate his french fries..It wasn't until one of the chicks reached over and decided that he didn't mind sharing his fries with me that all hell broke loose,as soon as the plate of fries came towards me, I was hit with a very hard barrage of leftover fries that he must had been hoarding for later.People let me tell you retard strength is real, he almost put an eye out It took three of the Rosie O'Donnell sized ones to calm him down.The fries were returned the show went on and no one was pissed, even"coondog" dude came back and brought friends ..that didn't want to kill me .I like Charleston ,its my kind of place full of nasty strip bars ,lesbians and super strong very accurate throwing retards.

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